


i like you better in white

by ohluculent



Category: iKON (Korea Band)
Genre: M/M, break ups, darker than you thought, hanbin has gone insane, pls dont read for your own sake, yunbin, yunhyeong is tired
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-07
Updated: 2018-11-07
Packaged: 2019-08-20 03:24:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,828
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16547924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ohluculent/pseuds/ohluculent
Summary: in which hanbin tries to fix his relationship with yunhyeong





	i like you better in white

**Author's Note:**

> ira made me do it. read at your own risk. or pls just turn back

_it’s killing me, once again_

_your traces remain_

_and they torture me._

 

he leans on the wall, hands folded in front him, eyes gazing on the figure on the bed. watching _his precious_ sleep.

he looks ethereal sleeping, all calm and peaceful like an angel, but what hanbin love the most is the way his body relaxes on hanbin’s gaze, it send him to bliss. knowing that the man on the bed has finally accepted his apology, he wants to be with hanbin again.

taking a step forward, he sits in front of his love, kissing those tear-stained cheeks, down to his lips. _they’re cold,_ but hanbin can warm them for him. he put his hand on the side of yunhyeong’s pillow, stopping for a second, and grimacing at the wetness.

he needs to change the sheets soon. lifting his right hand, he caress the older’s head, his heart soaring in happiness because he knows that this man is _his_. he takes yunhyeong’s hand with his left hand, leaving a soft kiss on them, and loving the way it makes him feel home.

 _i love you, you’re mine_.

 

* * *

 

_it’s killing me_

_i turned around like you’re a stranger_

_but why am i lonely?_

 

yunhyeong hears the footsteps approaching his room, slow hesitant steps stopping right in front of his door. he doesn’t have to look to know who it is. he hears another shuffle, probably wanting to turn back and walk away.

yeah, that’s what he do best anyways; _walking away._

trying his best to ignore the noise outside, he continues to pack his clothes, laying down a few sets of black shirts, denim jackets, and some black and white polos. standing in front of his bed, he decides that those options weren’t enough. he took some more clothing, successfully ignoring the knocking sound on his door.

another hesitant knock is heard from the inside of his room. he throws his necessities in his luggage, tossing it hard enough to block out the noises.

he’s not in the mood to talk or deal with that person right now. the pain is still new and raw inside. a million apology is not enough to heal that pain.

yunhyeong’s tired of the same apologies all over again, same promises, to be broken in the end. it’s the same cycle all over again, it has been for the few months.

yunhyeong doesn’t think he can cry anymore, he wasted a lot of them the past few days. he knows their fights always end with him crying in silent, while the other go crazy and does something more to increase the pain.

like _leaving him alone_ on the jeju trip.

silently cursing himself for thinking about that again, he throws another set of clothes in the luggage, gripping the white envelope on his right hand tightly. trying hard not to rip that letter, _he’s given up_. enough is enough.

then, the knob of his door jiggles, the door creaks open slowly.

the quiet hesitant steps approach him from behind, he can feel the apologetic gaze on him, agreeably bringing back the painful memories once again. _great._

“yunhyeong hyung,” hanbin calls out, and yunhyeong hates how his heart shatters at how broken his voice sounds.

_do you still love me?_

 

* * *

_f_ _oolishly, these feelings remain_

_something that feels like regret_ _  
_

_opposite from you who is doing great_ _  
_

_i’m half dead_

 

“yunhyeong hyung, why are you avoiding me?” hanbin finally asks. breaking the silence in the room. the tension deepening, when yunhyeong’s body tenses at the sound of his voice.

the older tried to hide it, but hanbin can see right through the facade.

“i’m not. what are you talking about?” yunhyeong laughs, clearing his throat. his back facing the younger, shoulder all tense, and aghast.

“then, turn back and look at me,” he demands, voice small and confused. yunhyeong makes no move of facing him, and hanbin’s heart broke. “why... w-what did i do wrong?”

“i don’t know, hanbin,” he spits out, bitterness evident on his tone. “i’ve had my chances and you’ve had yours. i don’t want to keep forcing myself only to burn the both of us out in the long run.”

 

 _silence_.

 

the tension on the room feels heavy, just like the weight of burden hanbin feels. he watches yunhyeong shuffles around the room, pretending to gather more stuff to pack. hanbin hates how he’s the caused of this fake acting, hanbin knows well that the older is trying to avoid confronting him.

it’s not a good sign, yunhyeong never wants to avoid confrontation with him, especially regarding their fights. hanbin feels it in his chest, the agonizing pain he caused. he has done enough damage.

“one more time?,” he hears yunhyeong sigh, back shaking, then he turns to face him.

he wished that the latter hadn’t done it, it hurts to see him like this. his eyes on the brink of tears, the painful look in his way. the cold gaze on him, the tension all over his body, all feels foreign to hanbin. his angel never feels uncomfortable around him, his angel always welcomes him with open arms, even in midst fight. has he crossed the line this time?

“are you fucking kidding me?” yunhyeong asks all choked up and broken, “how many more ‘one more time’ do you want? i’ve had enough, bin. do you see me right now? i’m not okay, i haven’t been okay the past few months. and it’s all your fault. thank you for the pain, hanbin,” he says, eyes red and full of distress. he bits his lips to stop the tears from falling, “it really raised my game. i know how to pick my man now.” _no..._

he doesn’t want to lose yunheyong. he can’t lose him.

hanbin tries to step closer, his right hand hanging in the air, preparing to wipe those tears on his cheeks. but yunhyeong steps back, flinching away from the gesture, like he’s been touched by a mere stranger.

taken back by his reaction, hanbin tries to approach again, “y-yun, please. baby, don’t s-say that,” he tries to smile it off, but the stern look yunhyeong holds the truth. the tears won’t stop, and yunhyeong does nothing to wipe them away.

hanbin just wants to touch that face, and wipe away the hurt. but he knows he can’t, it’s over. he hurt him too much, it has come to that point where yunhyeong got tired of waiting.

he tries to take another closer step to yunhyeong, but the older takes another step back, not even trying to hide the rejection. he hears yunhyeong whimper at his action once more, he hates it.

he loathes that look, yunhyeong’s once bright eyes whenever he looks at hanbin is replaced by a rueful look. the look of betrayal, disappointment, denial, and but what hurts the most the look of a stranger.

his eyes looks at hanbin as if he didn’t know who he was, his expression changing as they landed on him. his body naturally _rejecting hanbin’s touches. hanbin fucking hates himself._

he turned him into that. it’s his fault yunhyeong is looking at him like that, the fond look is gone. the world really is cruel.

this is not how he pictured his love scenario, it’s really more than knowing. he read about how hard a break-up is, he sympathizes with them. now, he feels like a damn fool. why did he think it wasn’t gonna hurt so much?

kim hanbin is a fucking stupid man. it hurts, he can’t breathe properly, the sight of the man he loves avoiding him hurts more than death itself. words won’t come out of his mouth, he tries to open them but his lips quiver, and tears threaten to fall out of his eyes.

he doesn’t understand what’s happening, how could everything be gone in just a blink of an eye?

he did his best to sweep yunhyeong off his feet, to claim him as his. they were happy.

what happened to them?

they used to understand each other’s responsibilities, respect their own privacy, enjoyed being dumb and in love. they maintained their idol and private life. the used to talk things thru. they made it work.

 

oh yeah.

 

_used. were. they._

 

that’s _not_ _t_ _hem_ anymore.

 

he hates that word more than anything on this world. he should have done better. they could’ve avoided this, it wasn’t meant to end like this. he can’t breathe everything is too much for him.

he wants to beg yunhyeong for forgiveness, scream for another chance, yell at himself, he wants to do a lot of things, but most importantly he wants _his angel_ back.

“let’s end this right now.”

hanbin didn’t know those five worlds can easily tear his world apart.

 

* * *

_it’s killing me, once again_

_your traces remain_

_and they torture me_

 

on this lonely night, he sits on his bed, watching the time run out. but he knows his clock will just add more time. more time for him to mourn the lost of _his precious_.

he stares at their picture, on his night stand, his arms wrapped around possessively on yunhyeong’s waist. and _his precious_ smiling so beautifully at the camera, with hanbin kissing his cheeks. they look so happy.

they _were_ happy.

he still loathes that word, the emptiness slowly creeping out to him. the cold embrace of the wind, sending him to shivers, numbing his heart more.

the vacant spot on his bed feels so unfamiliar, he longs for yunhyeong’s _warmth_ again. that spot used to be yunhyeong’s place. the void of emptiness is slowly driving him insane.

he grabs his phone, no new messages. fuck. not talking to the older forces him to go crazy, knowing especially that yunheyeong isn’t his anymore. it’s sending him to distraught, he hates himself, yunhyeong isn’t his anymore.

 

_no no no no no._

 

hanbin can’t let that happen, he needs another chance. he can’t a live without yunhyeong. a place without _his precious_ is worse than hell itself.

he remembers the sound of yunhyeong’s laugh at dinner today, he hates how fake it sounds. even if it wasn’t the older’s real laugh, he still hates how he isn’t the cause that laughter. those eyes that use to look at him with love, wouldn’t even look at him anymore.

 

_no no no no no_

 

more tears flow down his eyes, he grips his head tightly, trying to drown the sound of yunhyeong’s laugh in his head.

it hurts, if he has to live a world without him, no one can.

he bites his lips hard, blood started to appear, he roll on the side and sees another photo of yunhyeong smiling at him directly. he reaches for it, caressing is lightly, but stops. _yunhyeong isn’t hanbin’s_ anymore.

fresh new tears dribble down his cheeks. he throws the photo an the wall, shattering the glass frame, and hanbin regrets it instantly. he just threw _his precious_ away.

 

_no no no no no_

 

he didn’t mean to do that. he stands ups briskly, hands reaching out to pick up the broken pieces. accidentally grimacing his fingers from the glass. subtle of blood comes out, he forces the pain in and gathers the remaining pieces. _i’m sorry, angel, i didn’t mean to hurt you..._

he stands up, staring at the frame on his hands. he needs to apologize to yunhyeong for breaking that frame, but the remaining pieces of glass on the ground stick to him.

looking down, he saw his blood colouring the floor, and he silently wails. it hurts...

 

 _he needs to see yunhyeong_.

 

with bloody feet, hair scattered weirdly, eyes losing the sense of reality, hands gripping the broken picture, hanbin walks to yunhyeong’s room.

 

he’s mine til the end.

 

_i’m gonna fix this._

 

* * *

_freedom and new relationships_

_but behind that is an empty heart_

_on this dark night, I’m alone again_ _  
_

_this isn’t right_

 

he holds him tighter, embracing every scent, every curves, every single thing on yunhyeong. the curve of his neck, where he likes to bury his head, those tiny waist he likes to hold so much, those hands that used to be his home, the place where his hands fits and completes him.

he feels yunhyeong trembles on his hold, hanbin loved making yunhyeong tremble under him, but not like this. god, he loves this man so much.

another sob escapes yunhyeong’s mouth, and hanbin can’t help but pull him closer, and soothe him. he hears yunhyeong release another choked sob, and hanbin lets his own tears fall down on his cheeks. allowing them to land on yunhyeong’s bare neck. heart throbbing as they hold each other.

“i c-can’t do this anymore, h-hanbin i can’t do this anymore... h-hanbin, it hurt...s,” he says quietly on the younger’s chest, voice so hoarse hanbin can barely understand what he was saying.

“baby, you can’t do this anymore?” he gets nod as a response, “y-you wanna give up?”

a few seconds of silence pass, nothing but yunhyeong’s cries, and hanbin’s soft tears filled the room. “you can’t do it anymore, sunshine?”

“i’m s-sorry,” he hears the older says.

hanbin clenches his mouth, his grip on yunhyeong tightening, knuckles turning white with how tight his grip is. every second is agonizing for him, he regrets everything, if he can turn back time and correct his mistakes he would do it in a heartbeat.

he can feel his erratic heartbeat, trying his best to hold the pain in. he doesn’t wanna hurt yunhyeong more than he already did.

we can still be friends.

_but i don’t want that._

“you don’t w-wanna give me a chance anymore?,” he stutters, his voice raspy and breathless.

and for the millionth time kim hanbin’s world shatters again with a painful ‘no’ from song yunhyeong.

 

_it’s okay..._

 

he savours this moment, closing his eyes, enjoying the warm embrace that is yunhyeong. he takes a deep breath, letting the silent tears flow.

he lifts yunhyeong’s head, pushing away those hands that covered his beautiful face. he replaces them by his own, thumbs caressing those red cheeks, and wiping the tears away.

but the tears won’t stop, yunhyeong’s eyes are red and swollen, mouth shaking as his cries escapes. hanbin resents how much he ruined yunhyeong. he hates how the lights on his eyes has gone dim, nothing but emptiness occupied them.

wiping the tears again, he takes a step closer, kissing the top on yunhyeong’s forehead. his lips lingering there, savouring the last time, letting his own tears flow. he can feel his lips shaking on yunhyeong’s forehead, but he doesn’t wanna pull away. 

he wants to cherish this moment, the last time he can have yunhyeong for himself.

 _yunhyeong is hanbin’s prized possession_ , his precious item.

he’d _go crazy_ without him. the hurt won’t stop, but yunhyeong made his decision. he has grant that wish, it’s the least he can do.

 

but can he?

 

_it's not okay.._

 

* * *

_i loved her to death_ __  
_the extinguished fire is burning up again_ __  
_is it because of this painful longing?_ _  
_ _or is it my selfish loneliness?_

 

 

“h-hanbin please... p-please don’t do this, baby” he cries out, face turning different shades of red, the choke on his neck tightening. he tries to resist the grip on him, but the man on top of him show no resistant.

“b-bab...y, s-stop,” he begs again but the sound of his cries sound distant to hanbin. all he sees is his angel leaving him for someone else. his heart is withering at the thought.

hanbin can’t let that happen, for yunhyeong is _hanbin’s_ one and only _precious._

another round of punches, and slapping is send to hanbin’s arm, “my angel, why are you resisting me?” he finally asks, his face filled with tears. he doesn’t understand why yunhyeong wouldn’t want to be with him.

the older is crying again, but so is hanbin. 

“WHY? TELL ME, YOU’RE ONLY MINE,” hanbin yells, his teeth gritted, eyes going hurt and losing sense. he sees yunhyeong gasp for more air, fresh warm tears follows.

“b-baby, we w-were happy, weren’t we?,” but the older isn’t listening anymore, his mouth opens, a painful sob left. “answer me! we can make this work right?” he smiles. his smile widening at the sight of yunhyeong desperately reaching out to his hand, he looks beautiful like this. 

but the older doesn’t answer him anymore, the grip on his hands turning weak, loosening it’s hold, “don’t give up on us. i love you so much, can’t you see my love?!”

yunhyeong shakes his head, his face red, sweaty, full of tears. a sight that hanbin always sees in bed. this time, he painted that look differently.

grip tightening, he lifts yunhyeong’s face pressing small pecks on those bloody lips. they are warm, he missed that warmth. it’s _only for him._

this is the only way he can keep that warmth, he is the only one allowed to kiss those lips. he won’t others feel that warmth.

this is the only way to let others know that yunhyeong belongs to him. “s-say you’re mine, yunhyeong! you’re only mine okay?!” he stares at yunhyeong’s eyes, they look terrified, “my angel, why are you looking at me like that, i love you, i always do.” he says again, voice ragged, breathing uneven, cries inhumane.

the older screams silently, gasping for breath. he claws his fingers at hanbin’s hands uselessly and with  his last breath he tries scream for help. his feet, weakly resisting as well.

hanbin doesn’t hear a single noise from the older, his grip tightens again, nails digging through his neck, he sees yunhyeong shakes his head.

then, he sees red.

his vision clouding, eyes going crazy, the frown on his lips tigthening, as tears continues to drop down yunhyeong’s red face. _i love you, i love you i love you i love you, why can’t you see that..._

all he hears is the sound of gasping, bones crackling as he bashes his head on the wood. he made it rain. _rain in red_.

a colour that looks good on yunhyeong. then, there was none.

blood splattered across the room, his and yunhyeong’s blood mixed together, forming a strong bond. but hanbin prefers the colour white on _his precious._

he watches as his angel’s life slips away from him, breath getting slower til the hold on his hands are gone. they lay motionless beside him, he have done it.

yunhyeong’s not resisting his touches anymore, he’s welcoming them now. no one can feel the warmth that song yunhyeong brings. **_hanbin is the last one_ to feel it.**

the smile on hanbin’s face is evident, insane, and painful.

he lifts yunhyeong’s lifeless body, carrying it towards his bed, laying him down. he takes another glance at that peaceful face, kissing those lips again. they’re _almost cold..._

hanbin smiled at that, he really is the last one to feel _yunhyeong’s warmth._

taking another peak at his angel, he stands up, and rummage through his closet, looking for a change of clothes. his angel’s clothes were soaking in red, hanbin doesn’t like it. he likes the colour white on him.

taking a white suit from there, he opens the drawer below and look for a black long sleeves, and grabs a dress pants as well. hanbin himself is wearing the same thing but with a black blazer.

together they are yin and yang.

 

no.

 

_i love you, you’re mine._

 

_he takes off yunhyeong’s dirty clothes, changing it to the one he picked. even lifeless yunhyeong has always looked beautiful to hanbin. his body with scars, bruises, and blood still looks ethereal._

_picking up the shattered frame he brought, he put up their picture on the bed side, making sure the smiles on their face is evident._

_he takes a piece of a broken glass, and lay down beside his angel. kissing his lips one last time, for yunhyeong is also the only who can feel the **last warmth of hanbin.**_

_taking yunhyeong’s cold hands, intertwining it with his own, and then, he pushed the broken glass on the side of his neck._

 

_they were yin and yang._

 

 

_it’s killing me, once again_

_our traces remain_

_and they torture me_

 

* * *

 

 

 

_to hanbin,_

 

_i hope we can stay the way we are right now, but i guess that would be asking for too much. i’ve always dreamt of a future with you, you told me you’ve had the same thoughts. but sometimes i wonder, was everything just a lie? your touches, your love, your presence, your words, and promises, were those lies as well? because right now bin, im hurting. i’m hurting so bad, i can’t stand the thought of you right now._

_i used to feel something whenever we’re together, happiness, but now i don’t know that word anymore. you always tell me i was your home, i never said it before but i feel the same way. you’re my home, my safe haven, my sweet comfort. as of now, i can’t associate those words to you anymore. agony, pain, emptiness, those are the words that fits us right now. i’m trying, i’m trying so hard to make it work between us, why can’t you do the same?_

_maybe i’m too weak when it comes to you. in the end, i always ended up forgiving you. i love you, i love you too much that everything you do pains me. it hurts me deeply, but you know what hurts the most? it’s the fact that i’ll still love you even if you hurt me to the point of death._

_death. ha. i wish you could just kill me to end my suffering. it seems painless enough compared to the knife you left in my heart. you wanna know something stupid again?_

_i’ll still forgive you if you do it. i’ll still continue loving you in the end. pathetic right?_

_i wish it didn’t end this way. what am i saying? haha we can make this work, we always do. i don’t know if i’ll even need to send this letter to you. if you receive this letter, it means i got tired. tired of waiting for you, tired of being the second option, tired of being used, tired of you waiting to love me back._

_you’ll probably say that that’s not true, but, baby, do you know how empty your i love you’s are to me now? these fast few months, they mean so little to me anymore. those words sound so foreign. yet you say them to me as a mantra, im so lost right now. I don’t know which is real and fake anymore._

_i wish you can just show me how much you love me as well. is that too much to ask?_

_Hopefully in another life, lets meet again and be happy._

_kim hanbin, i love you, let’s break up._

 

_forever yours,_

_yunhyeong_

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> jukgetda - sounds like "choke kita" in tagalog, which basically means "im gonna choke you" lmao pls laugh with me


End file.
